Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I have been putting off this blog post for quite some time.

For a few reasons:

It could be long winded...

It sounds so "pity party"...Ugghhh. I have been complaining about this for a while so now I'm that person who complains about something but doesn't do anything about it. I am that person right now. And I HATE IT.

I'm tired of being in this place to even talk about it...

The absolute ONLY reason I post this is because I need you to pray for me. For those of you who even read this...please pray for me.

To make a long blog post short...I am in a spiritual depression. I don't know if you've ever been "depressed" before, but I'm there spiritually. I "feel" so deep in the darkness where there is no life. Everything is cold and dead inside spiritually. I feel so paralized spiritually. I know all the "truths". I know all the right things to think, tell myself, and believe. I know all the answers in my head, but my heart can NOT connect. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Again, I'm already telling myself "truths" as we speak.

For instance...don't base the truth about God on "feelings" but I'm stuck exactly there.

Another thing...God didn't leave me, I left him. He's still there...just turn around Niki and start connecting with Him. Talk to Him.

I KNOW ALL THIS! WHY is it so hard to actually do and believe?! I mean seriously...2 years?!

Here is what I think God is trying to teach me right now...that I can't have true relationship with him through other people, pastors, sermons, music, books, etc. See...I knew these things all along, but they remained my main source of trying to connect with the Lord. I've struggle with reading the Word as long as I've been a believer.

I'm just in a really empty and scary place right now with the Lord. The final truth is...I doubt if God really wants me as His. Of course he loves everybody else and has grace for everyone else...but ME? Ummmmm....does he really? God, do you really? God, are you there?

I feel hopeless and depressed and frustrated because God is making something VERY CLEAR to me right now...I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I can't analyze anything into action. I can't FIGURE it out. I I I I I I can't do anything...only HE can. So that's what I've been trying to do for so long...control my relationship with the Lord, AS IF I was in control. I am now faced with the reality that I am powerless to do anything. And for a control freak...that is scary. I don't know how to have a relationship with Him. I find myself asking, "God, are you really even knowable?"

So here I am... left only to wait on the Lord. Yes I know I have a responsibility to do my part (I don't even want to get into that). One thing I do without the Lord or any purpose IN HIM is meaningless. I feel like I REALLY understand Solomon when he wrote the book on Ecclesiastes. I got it back then, but now I really get it. I guess that is why I feel so spiritually depressed...since I don't have a purpose filled relationship with the Lord, my life seems meaningless (purposeless...don't take that the wrong way).

So here's my messed up heart. Please pray for me.


TamBaum said...

Hey, I can get you the number to some great Mormon missionaries!

Congratulations on the new baby! I have kept your blog bookmarked hoping you would come back to it.

jens033 said...

been there. really enjoyed a book calling Getting out of the Pit by beth moore. try it! will be praying:)

BrooksFamily said...

prayers for you momma! I just signed up for the Tuesday am bible study at the village "how to study the bible" should join me :) They have kid keepers for Riley......

Love ya!

Lindsey Carver said...

I wish you would have told me when you came over so we could have at least prayed over you. :( And wasn't I going to show you how to knit? I guess this means we need another play date soon!

Shirley said...

Sweet daughter, I've been there many times in my life, and it took me 52 years to "get it" that God really does want me as His daughter. I applaud you for being vulnerable enough to put this out here and ask for what you need. I love you immensely and continue to pray for you.