I didn't realize it at the time but I just kept my hurt, pain, anger and bitterness to myself. Overtime, it faded and then resurfaced...and still resurfaces. I'm having such a hard time doing the obvious thing...bringing it to the Lord. In the midst of keeping all this hurt, pain and anger to myself, my heart has grown numb and cold to the Lord.
I'm in that place where my mind knows truth, but my heart doesn't. In the meantime life has gotten hectic...adding distraction upon distraction to my already numb and distant heart. Every time I realize the state of my heart, I'm left with fear, emptiness, helplessness, numbness still, and I feel just lost and frozen. I hate this place...knowing what to do and knowing the "right answers" but still feeling and doing absolutely nothing!
I have faith and hope that this is a season and that I will not stay here. I feel uncomfortable even talking with Him. The enemy automatically tells me..."well you should considering you've ignored Him for so long." So I battle with the enemy and his taunting and most of the time it seems like he wins.
However, all of the distraction are wonderful and amazing gifts from God. There have been 3 babies brought into this world within in one week! My sister in law had her baby last week. My sister had her baby on Saturday night, and my best friend had her baby on Monday. All wonderful blessings and miracles. :-)
My nephew Noah
A good friend of mine got married this past weekend and I was a bridesmaid and it was so beautiful!
In May we purchased our first home and have been doing renovations ever since. We have to move out of our apartment by July 14th. We haven't started painting yet because we have been so busy. I need to start packing but so much of what needs to be packed we use every day. And since I'm not sure when we'll be ready to move in yet it's been a little crazy in my type "A" planning, organizing, controlling mind.
Since my sister has been in the hospital with her baby, we've been watching her dog and it has been a hoot! He is a golden retriever poodle mix and is still a puppy. Sadie just turned 1 yr in June so she's still barely a puppy. Anyway, they are officially "kissing cousins". They are both fixed but have still tried the "humpty dance" a few times. Every moment that they are out of their crates they are chasing each other, rolling around, playing, stealing toys from each other, etc. It is hilarious! A little crazy in this little apartment but still gives me joy to see them have so much fun. They are both in doggie heaven!
Sadie and Tucker
My job description at work has also changed a little. It's good stuff and I love it, but I still have a hard time with change. With my new "duties" I'm feeling some pressure so this definitely adds to my stress.
All in all...I'm crazy busy with many wonderful things, still need to deal with some heart issues, and feel very far from the Lord. If you think about me, please keep me in your prayers.